“Who are you without the attention of a man?”

A couple weeks ago I received this comment from a reader:

KeithIdolatry asks:

I’m curious and have a couple of questions. They’re of a private nature but nowhere near as private as most of the content of your blog. How is your relationship with your father? Was there ever one? Who are you without the attention of a man? What is the longest amount of time you’ve spent without having sexual contact with a man? How long were you dating Stavros and why are you so broken up by not seeing him any more? Were you even dating him or just seeing him and sleeping together? It seemed as if being a mistress was a step you were unwilling to take in prior posts. Now it is. What’s changed?

I welcome and really do enjoy answering questions from readers. The only thing that’s important to me is to keep my anonymity and that’s mostly just for the protection of the guys I write about. By choosing to date or sleep with me they didn’t sign up for their lives to be on display.

I wanted to reply back in a blog post because Keith asked questions that made me think. Some of the things he asks about are things I never really looked at, others were things I struggle with on a consistent basis.

• How is your relationship with your father? Was there ever one? My parents divorced when I was a teenager, but my father has always been a fixture in my life. He didn’t live in my household after my parents divorce but he was always there and we had a good relationship. In fact I’m closer to my father than I am to my mother. I lived with my mom and my grandparents. My grandparents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this month and are more in love than ever. I was blessed to be able to witness firsthand a loving, stable marriage between two people who loved, respected, and really enjoyed each other. I guess what I’m saying is my lifestyle choices are not a result of lacking strong male figures in my life. I was fortunate to have really great men in my life. I still do.

• Who are you without the attention of a man? I’m the same person I am with the attention of a man. I am a graduate student. I own a small business and have a great career doing something I love. I’m very happy with my life and the way its turned out. It’s never been about getting male attention.  I simply enjoy good sex. I never purposely seek the attention of a man. I don’t cruise for men. I never ask men out. I’ve been single by choice more often than I’ve been in relationships. I never approach men. I don’t dress provocatively. I do enjoy good male company and I do enjoy variety.  I’ll admit that I have some commitment issues, but I think they stem from a need to never feel restrained in my life. I need freedom to do what I want to do with whomever.

• What is the longest amount of time you’ve spent without having sexual contact with a man? Good question, the longest was nine months. And even now I go stints of a month or month and a half without sex. I don’t write about those periods much, because this is not a blog about celibacy. Basically, I enjoy sex and I don’t feel the need to deprive myself of something I enjoy. There are so many other ways I restrict myself in my life. I don’t drink or do drugs. I don’t eat meat. I don’t smoke. I don’t really have any vices. This is an outlet for me and as long as me and my partner are both consenting adults I don’t see anything wrong with that.

• How long were you dating Stavros and why are you so broken up by not seeing him any more? Were you even dating him or just seeing him and sleeping together? Me and Stavros dated from September to January, like 3 or 4 months. I hardly ever fall for a guy. The guys that make this blog are just a few of the guys I date or hang out with. Stavros was the rare guy that I just fell head over heels for. I can’t really explain it other than, some people just do it for you in a way that others don’t. It wasn’t just a sexual thing with him. We had good conversation and we laughed and listened to each other’s problems. We celebrated special occasions in our lives. I just really got attached to him. I think it hurt me because I thought our relationship was more serious than he thought it was. I thought we were dating and I guess he just thought we were sleeping together. I rarely give my all to a guy and then when I did, he just dumps me and walks away. It was, and still is, pretty tough. I’m finally moving on though and sadly Roberto helped me do that.

• It seemed as if being a mistress was a step you were unwilling to take in prior posts. Now it is. What’s changed? Hmm, I guess the only thing that changed was that I met someone during a vulnerable time in my life that appealed to me and I let it cloud my judgment. I’m not proud of what I’ve done and I’m doing my best to fix this really ugly situation.

I hope this sheds some light and answers some questions for you Keith (or any other reader). If not, please feel free to contact me and we can discuss things further.

Coming Clean

A few weeks ago I snuck away for a weekend vacation fling of sweaty, super freaky sex with this amazingly hot guy.

I’ve known Roberto for about six months. I met him right around the time things were imploding with Stavros. We were friends, but he’s always wanted to be more. At the time I was still madly in love with Stavros and hoping we’d work things out. I’d talk to Roberto about my problems with Stavros and Roberto was painfully direct in the fact that Stavros was only using me and never even really cared about me.

Roberto stopped speaking to me when I told him about the time back in February when me and Stavros hooked up. He told me that I was a weak woman and I was stupid for taking him back. Months went by and I dated a few other guys. One day out of the blue Roberto sent me a text. We resumed our friendship like nothing had ever happened and up to this point we’d never had sex. I kept resisting him, but over time he got harder and harder to resist. He was about 10 years older, but had a baby face and the body of a man half his age. He was sweet and attentive. Always concerned about my whereabouts and remembered the little things in my life. I found myself falling for him. He was perfect: Gorgeous, attentive, sweet, totally in to me, a good friend.

And oh yeah, he was married.

This is why I could not give in to him sexually. But one day it happened. We slept together. And it was fantastic. He was the first guy who made me forget about Stavros.

We continued to sleep together and Memorial Day weekend, him and his family went away on vacation. He invited me to come along agreeing to put me up in a hotel while I was there. It was totally insane but really exciting. He snuck away to meet me in the hotel and stayed nights with me. It was a really hot vacation fling. I know it sounds awful, but being in his arms and waking up with him made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I’m not in love with him. but I believe there is a certain intimacy I’ve been missing in my life. Something I wasn’t getting from Mr. Nice Guy, but the way Stavros used to hold me after sex and kiss me and caress my face.

I finally confessed to my best friend two months after we first started sleeping together. I usually tell her everything, but I’m not proud of myself. I really hate what I’m doing, but its hard to stop. Mr. Nice Guy knew I was seeing Roberto and that we went away together. He did not know until I confessed last weekend that Roberto was married. I was surprised by his reaction. He did not judge me. I think that’s part of what bothers me about Mr. Nice Guy he hides his emotions. I deserved to be judged and treated harshly but he didn’t do that.

This is not a good situation, but I’m not quite able to give it up just yet.

Don’t Be a Weiner (aka How to Tweet Your Junk and Not Make the News)

This blog rarely gets political, but I had to address this sex scandal with Rep. Anthony Weiner.

For those who aren’t familiar last week someone sent a provocative (and quite impressive) crotch shot of a bulging male, er, weiner in grey underwear to a college student on Twitter.  After denying for a week and a half that he’d sent out the controversial picture, he admitted in a press conference today that he in fact sent out the picture.

I once had a close call like this. I had some topless photos on my cell phone that I’d taken. I was attempting to send it to someone and mistakenly pushed the “send to Facebook” button by mistake. Fortunately, that phone asks “are you sure you want to post?” before it uploads pictures. Otherwise I would have been in big trouble.

As a voter and proud politically engaged person, I’m less upset  he sent out these pictures than I am he was so careless in his use of social media for his sexting. As a social media professional and a sex blogger it is my duty to explain the best ways to sext using social media.

•  Facebook – If you want to send naughty photos using this social network, the best way to do it is using the Inbox. Inboxes are private messages that only you and the person you are sending the message to can see. DO NOT post the picture on your wall. EVERYONE can see your wall. If you are a voyeur and must post your goodies to your wall, I recommend adjusting your privacy settings appropriately. This will ensure that your mom or your grandma or your pastor does not get an eyeful.
• Twitter – Similar to Facebook, Twitter offers private messaging. This is called direct messaging. This can be done in one of two ways. You can either put the letter “D” then the recipients handle name in front of the message. This will send it only to that person. The easiest and most full-proof way is to select the little envelope icon  on the recipient’s profile. It will bring up a small box that says “direct message.”  It’s important to remember that on Twitter direct messages can only be sent to people who are following you. You can not send direct messages to random people.

Do you have any tips for sexting online? Or do you have any embarrassing stories about rogue tweets that were “hacked” and sent out unknowingly?

The HC Guide to Better Blow Jobs

Follow these sexy tips for hotter bedroom action

I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or offended by her request for help.

“I need to learn how to give oral,” The Cake Lady told me.

An hour earlier she was all but accusing me of trying to steal her man. I wasn’t sure if she was saying I’m sure you’ve sucked tons of dicks in your life, help a sista out? Or was it simply a girlfriend reaching out to a fellow girlfriend on tips on how to better please her man.

“My jaws get tired and I can’t stay down there for long,” she said.

As pissed as I was, I wanted to help her and the truth is oral sex is my specialty. The one compliment I consistently get from my partners is how fantastic my oral skills are. I have heard on many occasions I was the best they’d ever had in that department.

This was not always the case.  I was about 20 the first time I ever gave a blow job. It was a game of Truth or Dare. I, always the thrillseeker, opted for dare which was for me to go down on another player. It was so disgusting I actually threw up the first time.

Over the years I’ve practiced…a lot and now I not only tolerate, but really enjoy it. Like anything, the more you do it the better you get.

These are my tips to give better oral:

1. Be enthusiastic. We tend to do a better job at things we enjoy doing. Enjoying it or appearing to instantly makes you that much better in the guys eyes.

2. No biting: This takes practice. Guys are sensitive down there so even grazing it with your teeth can be painful.

3. Use food or flavored lubes: If you can’t stand the taste try putting some chocolate sauce, whipped cream, or a flavored lube on his penis. It will make it a lot more pleasant.

4. Ask your gay buddies for tips: Everyone knows gay men give the best blow jobs.

5. Lick and suck. Alternate between the two. Licking is a tease and sucking alone may be tough for a novice.

6. My secret weapon: I stole this from Jenna Jameson‘s book “How to Make Love Like A Porn Star.” Most men have a small vein on the underside of their penis, lick that and give it special attention. I’ve also found this spot underneath their balls, right before you get to their butt cheeks. Every man that I’ve ever done that too has gone nuts when I started licking down there.

7. Spit or swallow: That’s a personal choice, but men go crazy for swallowing. I personally like to swallow, but because of disease I reserve that only for men I’m in monogamous, sexual relationships with.

Lets help the Cake Lady. Ladies: What tips have worked for you? Men: what advice would you give a woman on being better at oral?

Sloppy Seconds (aka Reasons Not to Date Your Friend’s Ex)

Last weekend I was pleasantly surprised when an old girlfriend of mine called out of the blue.

The Cake Lady and I work together at my part time job, but since I started grad school and a second job we almost never see each other. We spent about an hour catching up and as girls do I asked her about how things was going with her boyfriend Kenny.

Kenny and the Cake Lady have dated on and off for like two years. They dated once and broke up, but still hang out all the time and sleep together but he never will officially say they’re dating. I was getting the scoop on their status just making conversation.

A couple of days later I get to work and the Cake Lady corners me. She asks me was I asking about Kenny because I was interested in him?

“What?” I said.

I was shocked. I’ve met the guy maybe twice and we barely spoke to each other. He’s not at all my type physically and based on the way he’s treated her not my personality type. I have to admit my feelings were hurt. I’m an admitted slut, lets keep it real. But I do have limits I’m not trying to take someone else’s man.

I assured her I never once had any thoughts about Kenny. I barely even remember what the guy looks like. I asked her was she asking this because of what happened with Darien. She admitted that she was.

Darien is the Cake Lady’s best friend and former boyfriend. I met Darien about two years ago when he briefly worked with me and the Cake Lady. A few months after he got fired, Darien found  me on a social networking site and started sending me flirty messages. I’d always thought he was really cute, but felt weird because he was the Cake Lady’s ex.

Darien I mutually decided not do anything until I was sure that the Cake Lady was okay with it. I called her and explained the situation. I told her we liked each other and wanted to see what happens, but would only do it if she was okay with it because my friendship with her meant more to me than him. She was totally fine with it. She said they dated like five years ago, she was dating Kenny and only saw Darien as a good friend.

Darien and I hung out for like two weeks before things fizzled out. It was amicable and we’re all still cool to this day. I was hurt that the Cake Lady brought this up as a reason she thought I might be after her “man.” Because she gave me and Darien her blessing, but was obviously bothered by it. So now the assumption is I’m a man-stealer, which I’m not.

The Cake Lady is a lot more reserved sexually than I am and I think that she assumes that means I lack discretion in who I will try to date. Just because a woman is sexually liberated does not mean she’s trying to take your man. It also doesn’t mean that she’ll sleep with anyone. I’m very picky and I don’t appreciate that.

What do you all think? Am I wrong or is the Cake Lady?

Does this job make me look sexy?

Kinsey was a guy I used to fool around with a few years ago. We never had a relationship, we were just friends who called on each other for occasional benefits. Last summer somewhere between dating The Eunuch and Mr. Rubik, Kinsey contacted me again. After talking he was like “why haven’t we ever tried a relationship?” I didn’t know. I was single and I’d known him for a long time so I was game. We tried it for a hot second and his general flakiness, combined with drama with his child from a previous relationship proved not to be a good match for any kind of relationship.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago…

My car had broke down for like the 8-millionth time (I really need to buy a new one), so Horny Harry was giving me a ride to work. Horny Harry is a fellow sexual enthusiast, so we bonded on our mutual love of numerous sex partners and wild sexcapades.

I was chatting in the car with Harry when Kinsey called. We started catching up and I asked him what he was doing on the job front. He told me that he’d begun working as a barber. For some reason, a barber is one of those jobs that is really sexy to me. I’m not really sure what it is. Its not a sexual job, but there’s something about it that really turns me on. A male teacher is another one, perhaps the reason I was so into Mr. Rubik. Coaches, mechanics, firemen are a few others.

I doubt anything will happen with Kinsey, but it got me thinking how men in certain jobs trigger a certain sexual response. I think its two things. I think I’m turned on by men who can bring the best out of others: i.e. barbers, teachers, coaches. I also think I’m turned on by men who are rescuers: mechanics and firemen. Who knows?

Am I a weirdo? Does anyone else have a random non-sexual type of job that turns you on?

When A Mid-Sex Outburst gets Awkward

I decided to take all the advice I was given and stop sleeping with Mr. Nice Guy. I mean I really wasn’t looking for a relationship with him and I didn’t want to lead him on.

Ok, so that lasted about a week.

Me and Mr. Nice Guy ended up hooking up. We had a nice date and he spent the night at my house. I find it physically impossible not to have sex with the hot guy lying next to me. Especially when said hot guy is rubbing my body and kissing my nipples.

So we start getting into it and all of a sudden he says:

“I want you to have my baby.”

My mouth dropped. I said nothing, I just continued on like I hadn’t heard anything.

The next day we were riding the train and he asked me what I thought about what he said that night.

“Oh, you were serious,” I said.

Yes. He was dead serious. I told him considering that we’re not dating, how am I supposed to take that? He said he thought I’d be flattered by it.

Flattered?

Yeah, flattered he said. He said he told his children’s mother that and it should indicate to me that he’s really madly in love with me. I was totally speechless. It was worse than I thought.

I know that we all say things in the heat of the moment. I’m very guilty of that. With Stavros I would use that time to tell him things I was afraid to tell him otherwise. I think he did too. It was during sex that he finally told me that he’d missed me. It was during sex that I told him I didn’t want to share him with anyone.  I think that there’s this lack of inhibition that happens during sex. I know I’m so guarded in my relationships. I’m not openly affectionate. It takes a long time for me to say “I love you.” I definitely have intimacy issues. Sadly, in many cases sex is the only time I feel free to be totally open with my partner. I don’t know if this is healthy or not.

Have you or a partner ever made an awkward or unexpected confession during sex? Do you feel that sex provides an intimacy that the outside world doesn’t have? What should I do about Mr. Nice Guy?

Sex + Time = A Relationship???

I didn’t realize it, but I’ve been in a relationship for the last few months. This was totally not my intention. Me and Mr. Nice Guy talk on the phone several times a day. We spend the weekends together when he doesn’t have his kids. We’ve even had sex a couple times.

Yep. Totally sounds like a relationship.

The things is I didn’t really want to be in a relationship with Mr. Nice Guy. He’s  not at all my type. I mean we’re complete opposites.  He’s not working right now. (I have two jobs and I run my own business). He’s smart, but not educated. (He never finished high school and I’m in grad school). He doesn’t know how to drive. He’s never lived on his own. He has two kids, a crazy baby mama, and a clingy two-faced aunt. He really hasn’t traveled and experienced life much. He’s lived a very sheltered life and hasn’t been exposed to much. He’s really passive and not at all assertive. A pushover.  And our sex is just mediocre. Not terrible, but not great. The only redeeming quality  about him is that he’s like the sweetest, nicest guy ever.

I kept telling him, and myself, we’re just friends. I felt like we just had a friends with benefits relationship. No big whoop. Even though he kept telling me how he felt like we had a connection and really wanted to be with me. I really didn’t think we were more than friends.

It only really occurred me when I was talking to a friend about the situation. Horny Harry always has a unique insights on love.

“You’re in a relationship. Duh.  Sex+Time=A Relationship,” he said.

“You think?” I said.

“Absolutely. If you were just having sex and not going out, you’d be fuck buddies. If you were just hanging out and not having sex…Well I don’t know what that is. Sounds like some bullshit to me,” he said. “But if you are having sex and hanging out, you are in a relationship.”

Damn! As usual he’s right.

Is it friends with benefits or is it a relationship?

I guess my issue is this. I really don’t want the burden of dating a man with no job and two kids. After the Stavros situation and the Eunuch situation, I just want to take it easy. I want a drama-free, no-strings attached relationship. Someone who is cool to hang out with, but that does not require a whole lot of stress and effort on my part.

Ugh! I’m not really sure what I should do now. I really don’t want to lose the friendship, but I can’t continue to sleep with him and lead him on. Do I dump him and risk losing a good friend? Or do I continue to let things go the way they are and spare his feelings, hoping that one day my feelings will be mutual ?

Rare sex phenomenon or excuse for bad performance?

This weekend something happened during sex that I’ve never, ever experienced before.

Let me give you some background. I met The Nice Guy a couple months ago. The Nice Guy is a cute sorta passive guy, but very sweet. We’ve been hanging out for awhile, but have never had sex. Mostly because he’s a single father caring for a young son, so we don’t get much privacy. He also lives with his aunt, so even when his son is away we never have the place to ourselves.

Well the son is on spring break and wanted to spend the week with his mom. Since we’ve been seeing each other pretty regularly for a month and a half I thought the time was right for me and the Nice Guy to seal the deal. Now he’d been to my house before, but he’s really shy and didn’t make a move on me. This time however the plan was for him to spend the night with me. Code for “we’re finally going to do it.”

He started getting touchy feely, rubbing on my nipples. This is my sensitive spot, so I was getting aroused. I turned towards him in the bed and he starts kissing my breasts. I started kissing him. I was so turned on, I got on top of him and pulled off his t-shirt. I started grinding on him while sucking on his neck and his nipples and kissing him some more. He pulls off my tank top and starts cupping my breast and sucking on them. I was so fired up by now. He lays me on my back and takes off his shorts, slowly pulls off my pajama pants and panties, and puts on a condom. He gets on top of me and we started going at it.

The sex felt pretty good, but I just wasn’t really connecting emotionally with him. I felt like I was just there. It was really strange. About 3 minutes or so later, no exaggeration, he rose up to change position and I noticed the condom was full.

I asked him, “did you cum?”

He replied, “I don’t think so.” He looked down at the full condom and was like, “wow, I guess I did.”

He claims that he never felt himself climaxing. I’ve never heard of this happening before. At first I thought it was an excuse he used to explain finishing so quickly. But looking back he didn’t seem to spasm, speed or tense up like most guys do when they’re about to finish. So maybe its possible. I can’t really compare it to past performance because this is our first time.

To my guy readers, is this possible? Can you cum and not even realize it? Has it ever happened to you? To my ladies, have you ever experienced this with a partner?

These are my confessions…

Last post I was torn about whether or not to confess to my lover’s wife that we’d been carrying on an affair.

I decided to give him an opportunity to explain things. When he was unable to do so to my satisfaction,  she contacted me and I spilled like a New Orleans’ levee.

I told her he came over to my house three weeks earlier and we had sex. I apologized and explained that I had no idea he was married. Which was the truth because The Eunuch never did tell me. I told her everything, how I dated him for a  few months last year. He was a shitty boyfriend, so I broke up with him. He resurfaced around the holidays and tried to pick up where we left off. At the time I was deliriously in love with Stavros and wasn’t interested. When me and Stavros broke up, of course, The Eunuch was there saying all the right things. We hooked up one morning when he just surprised me and showed up at my house. After that we hooked up a few more times sporadically. Nothing serious.

It turns out that a few weeks after I broke up with him he married this woman. She apparently is pretty well off and was taking care of him. It also turns out that she found out, in addition to me, two other women he was carrying on an affair with. It was a big, ugly mess. I was so glad that I’d chosen not to get serious with him again. I felt bad however that I’d slept with her husband repeatedly. She seemed very nice and I wished her the best.

There were two really interesting things about this to me. First, I seem to always end up dating guys who are already attached. I don’t know why this is. It’s not intentional, but I seem to be a magnet for married and attached men. The second interesting thing to me is the difference in how this should be handled depending upon whether I was asking a man or a woman for advice. Most men that I asked suggested that I keep quiet and not say anything. Women, however thought I should confess. As a woman I just felt like I would want someone to tell me.

Ugh! Its never a dull moment in my dating life.